Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
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MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*