The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Does your wife know you’re single?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.