Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?