My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.