ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
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January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“OMGJK” -atheists
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates