13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
You Might Also Like
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.