Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
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“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?