I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
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*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I’m a bad influence on myself.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!