Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
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I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
nature’s most graceful animal
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
got so much cardio in today
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
🤣😈🤣
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.