Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Birds & Planes.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
🤣
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.