If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
saw this in a dream
This is my favorite one of these!
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?