[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
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ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy