I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
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“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.