Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever