billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.