Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
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I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘