Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?