Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.