My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.