me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
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FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Barbie gone wild
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣