I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
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I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.