Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.