… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
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Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Lmao
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”