My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
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Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.