Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
You Might Also Like
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My dad.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.