“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
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Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse