After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
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whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day