When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
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*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*