Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]