This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
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When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
S O O N
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.