My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Milk Cube
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.