NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
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All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night