waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
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[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it