My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
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Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.