once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
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Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Worst perfume name ever.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.