Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
But I really needed water water water
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Thank you corporation very cool
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”