I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?