I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
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I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
A wise man once said nothing.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what