I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
eating my hot dog hamburger style
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.