BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
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Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
what it’s like dating me:
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME