Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
You Might Also Like
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?