Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
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I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Writing, She Murdered.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED