Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
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*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.