God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I feel seen
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.