The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””