Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Yes my dude
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Some people were born into their job.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.