Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit