I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
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Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Aight bet
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
normalize having existential bread
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.