If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Still a very good boi….
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it