My boss called in sick of me
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
This is my favorite one of these!